A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
