im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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