the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
