her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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