My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
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I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
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They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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