Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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