What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
