I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
