Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
