Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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