This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
