i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
