is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Holy shit dude........stairs
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
