Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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