My balls are so social today.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
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Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
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I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize