the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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