Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
