Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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