This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
