11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize