Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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