We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
