Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
