I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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