We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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