Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
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We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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