please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
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So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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