I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
