Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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