It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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