you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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