He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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