oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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