He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
