i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
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