I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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