Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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