he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
ttyl tear gas
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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