I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
