I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
