I haven't been this sober since birth.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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