I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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