made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I need to wash the frat house off of me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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