i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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