i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
