my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
