spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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