ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
