i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
