Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
