We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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