I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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