So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
