i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions