you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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