o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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