The brown eye won't let me do that either.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
