doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
