Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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