sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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